How to look beautiful (kinda)

You know when your friend is really self-couscous about the way she looks, so she would watch Michelle Phan all day? And when she actually ties to do her hair and makeup, she ends up looking like a dying cockroach? 

Well I'm here to help! I'm going to show all those worthless and pathetic pieces of crap out there how to actually look pretty!! I'm joking, your not worthless, but it is kind of pathetic to work so hard on your face and end up looking like dog crap. Anyway, I'm going to show you how to be naturally beautiful, using just 6 steps! It really works! And, it's easy, because it is simply common sense.

Step 1: SMELL

Brush your teeth.

Um... I bet she feels so beautiful... eh.

If you don't, don't expect any kisses. And you might end up smelling like crap

Imagine this guy askin' you this.

If you didn't shower the day before, shower now.

...You dirty mutt.

Also, Put on deodorant. I like to put on my super magical sparkle fairy dust scented deodorant:

*angels singing in the background noises*

Step 2: SKIN

When you wake up in the morning, wash your face with water to get rid of the disgusting microscopic creatures living on your face!! 

This is what you may be experiencing...

And this is what the poor germs are experiencing.

It is also good for getting rid of pimples, or preventing them.

Poor Mr.Pimple

Step 3: HAIR

After cleaning your hideous face (kidding) Brush your hair.

Girl attempting to brush hair

Start at the bottom or the ends of your hair, and work your way to the roots, getting rid of all the knots. If your hair is really knotty in the morning (like mine), use a comb, not a brush, you ding dongs (kidding again)!!

Then Straighten or curl (or simply style your hair). Don't burn your hair!! And don't attempt to "braid" your hair if you're just going to knot it back up again. When I wake up the morning, I just keep it the way it is, in fact, I don't really need to brush or style my hair because I half natural beach waves (I live in Florida, yay!) and I do know that I have a lot of knots in my hair, but It adds to the puffiness of my hair. I like the bedhead look. 

It's funny because I don't have a nose... and I have doo doo in my hair.

 

Just kidding.

Step 4: HANDS & FEET

Make sure that your hands are clean, and your fingernails are trimmed (not trimmed too much) and free of any gross dirt under the nails. If your hands are dirty, that is a big turnoff. You would be poisoned by the food you are holding because of the disgusting, terrifying hands, and if you touch someone they might turn into a zombie

wash your hands, butt head. SAME GOES WITH YOUR FEET!

Ew... it's glowing.

Step 5: CLOTHES

You might feel like this is a big part of what people think of you, but it really isn't. Some people might deeply care if you wear Hollister or not. But people who aren't morons, will not give a shiz what you wear. As long as it covers you up, and somewhat shows your manly/girly figure.

Oh, and if you can't figure out what too wear, just go out naked.

Step 6: THE WAY YOUR ARE

Listen, everyone is born beautiful. And if you want to be pretty or handsome, it's pretty simple. Be confident in yourself, and nothing can stop you. You know the old saying: 

Beauty is not what you see, 

but how you feel.

       -Michelle Phan 

And I DON'T eat doo doo.