vent

i got a new keyboard so i wanna type on it and test it out and whatnot. im also having a lot of anxiety right now. and stress. cuz the state of the world. and money. and feeling like i dont get enough hours at work. i spend money at the same rate that i make it. i need more savings though for emergencies since i live in a flood zone. so thats stressful. 

i dont plan on ever revealing too much information about myself on this blog since i snarked on ariana grande and uhhh im not trying to get my life ruined. i get a lot of pageviews on here. its not really fair that i get to sit and shittalk a public figure while i get to sit in the shadows. but. i've never homewrecked. i dont know. like i said before, im not part of those situations so i can't really truly judge the situation. i'm just an outsider projecting my own traumas. generally speaking, what she and ethan did was extremely hurtful and generally pretty morally corrupt. especially considering her track record, if i'm correct. but. whatever. it's getting to a point that i don't even wanna look at those people anymore. i used to kind of being a fan of ariana during the 7 rings era. she was the most talented person on victorious and i was proud of her or happy for her when she went from singing covers on youtube to being a rising star. and then, yup, the homewrecking thing happened. i went not ever thinking about her, being neutral, not giving a fuck, to just like, being... like. mortified?

i fell in love with a boy who had a girlfriend before and that situation deeply traumatized me and installed more trust issues into me. which is funny cuz ive been literally abused and raped before so to think that being in a love triangle as "traumatizing" is funny to me but it really was. i flirted with the girl to make her feel better and to kind of make him jealous enough to want her again. i dont know. then i had a mental breakdown. that was the part that was actually traumatizing i guess. i dont know the whole thing was bad but especially the psyhosis i got. i was doing a lot of psychedelics and shit for spiritual purposes and i fried my brain. 

so anyway though. typing typing typing.

la lalala. i got a keyboard that is shaped like a macaron or something. breaking it in. lalalala.

i have a few jobs and i love a lot of hobbies and stuff. im always trying to make games and apps and books and videos. im not going to tell you guys what my handle is though. whatever. if you know me in real life then this blog as me written all over it, but if you dont know my identity, let it stay that way

i feel like i was born into a lower caste. like the caste system. i feel like ive been stuck for my whole life. i am a very talented artist, but you know- the starving artist trope. im not even mad at ai because art never made me much money to begin with, so it didnt really steal my job. i have done dozens of commissions. honestly, i hate doing art for other people. i like treating art as my own personal thing. its cathartic. i have never sold an original painting that wasn't commissioned. and i never plan on it either. besides, even my favorite friends lowball me simply because they cant afford its true value.

i feel really burnt out.

i had these remote jobs for a while but .. ive lost my main gig with that.

i have some manual labor gigs but they aren't exactly consistent

i feel like id rather die than work a 9 to 5. id rather work for a bunch of different companies doing gigwork, or do freelance even if that means paying twice in taxes.

im mentally ill so i like setting my own schedule. working a 9 to 5 while having bipolar 1 sucks. i wanna be able to just like.. be like "yeah ill take this gig, im feeling good this week" or .. decline the gigs during weeks that my shit flares up.

im technically disabled i guess but i never really publically claim that because im deeply ashamed of my mental illness and like to pretend i dont have one. since im medicated i dont have symptoms but if people trigger me it acts up. for example, if i do drugs i will have psychosis, or, if my boyfriends sister creeps me the fuck out by saying shed stab me in the belly if her brother got me pregnant then acting really creepy and borderly incestuous I WILL crash out. okay look, my crashouts are fucking valid, okay. its not my fault i go overboard with it though. cant help it.

life is a struggle lol.

i miss having a good stream of income. this blogger shit only made me like 13 bucks and i cant even cash out til i hit 50. one day, i will be able to cash out, and buy myself a nice meal. or well, buy my household a nice meal, rather. maybe ill use the money for bacon and tomatoes and pasta and buldak sauce. i like that dish. and cheese.

i like drinking ice water from tumblers, using lip balm gloss from a tube (stick applicators are fucking disgusting), and uh. idk. i love the jobs i do have. 

blah blah blah

i wish my boyfriend could land a good job and take care of us. we basically live in a closet. i dont even have any room to excersize. 

every job ive ever worked, ive has sexual harrassment. my coworker at one of my current jobs even threatened to rape me in my sleep in january. ive been living in fear. i feel like i cant even easily make it at an app developer either because the damn EU made a law to doxx app developers by law, so i'd need to rent out a fucking office space just so they would not doxx my home address.

fuck the EU.

they suck.

classist, pretentious fucks, putting female app developers in danger. whatever.

one day i pray that i will make enough money to live a comfortable lifestyle, and even have enough money to possibly have a baby one day. i wanna be able to travel or do something fun like twice a year. i wanna be able to have clothes that fit me.

i only own 4 pairs of pants and a couple of shirts that actually fit me. my underwear doesnt fit cuz it shrank in the wash lol. i only have 2 bras.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh